They say it helps to write a letter to your unborn, future baby when you are struggling with infertility…so, here goes nothing.
As I anxiously wait to conceive you, many thoughts run through my head.
Will your head be shaped like a test tube? What if they implant the wrong embryos into my uterus? Will you grow in my belly, or someone else's?
Sometimes I wonder if you will ever be real...
I’m sorry we've turned your nursery into daddy's man cave. When you come, you better come out a Philadelphia Eagles fan, or you will be very disappointed in the decor.
Daddy really wants you to come, too, so mommy can stop being an emotional wreck and ruining his marriage...
After all our fertility costs, we might not be able to afford to send you to college, buy you new clothes or even feed you but mommy and daddy still love you very much. And no one (but child social services) can take that away from us.
I want you to know that I love you so much already, even though I may never get to meet you. If the day never comes that we meet face to face, just know how much I wanted you. Please know that it wasn't for lack of trying. Mommy prayed and prayed and prayed to the good Lord, begging him to bring you to me...to place you in my arms, to let me see your sweet face, breathe in your scent, and finally hear your precious little voice say "Mama."
Sweet little child of mine, if the day ever comes that we shall meet, and I can call you my very own, I promise I will love you more than anything in the whole world.
I will be there for you no matter what. You will always be able to count on me. I will protect you from scary monsters under your bed. I will let you crawl in bed with Daddy and me when the angels in Heaven are bowling and making thunder. I will kiss your boo-boos and place band-aids shaped like whatever character is "in" at the moment on your little skinned up knees. I will be there to comfort you when you've had a bad dream.
I will let you make your own mistakes so you can learn from them. I will have two shoulders for you to cry on when you find out how mean kids can be, when your heart gets broken for the first time, and when you lose someone you love. I will argue with you about what clothes you should wear, and in the end, I will let you win, because I would never want you to not have the same "cool" clothes your friends have. I will be there to pick you up when you fall, when you get a bad grade, and when so-and-so won't let you sit at their lunch table.
I will help you pick out your first dress or tux for Prom, and I will take more pictures than is necessary, because that’s what Moms do.
I will cry tears of joy and swell with pride at your preschool, kindergarten, high school, and college graduations, no matter how many years it takes you to get there.
I will always be just a phone call away when you move away and don't know how to do laundry, make food that doesn't come from a box, or spell a word, and I will promptly hand the phone over to Daddy when you need to know how to change a tire, fix something, or hook up a stereo.
When you find your soul mate and get married, I will help you plan your wedding, and I will be the sobbing mess sitting in the front row next to your Daddy watching you walk away from your life with us and start a new life of your own.
When you have your own children, I will be there to pass down advice that was passed down to me. I will show you how I changed your little diapers, and how having a child of your own will be the only way to show you how much I really love you.
And when the day comes that I won't be here on Earth with you anymore, I will still be here for you, and I will still love you. I will watch over you and your family from Heaven, because having a child is learning to let your heart walk outside of your body, and as long as your heart still beats, I will be with you.
I hope I get to meet you soon. But until then, you are always on my mind, and always in my heart.