Sunday, October 4, 2009

Self Discovery

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past few years. Some good things, and some bad things. It’s taking me a while to become the person I want to be, but I’m getting there.
Life’s not always a party. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows. But, life is like photography. We develop from negatives.
I thought moving away from everyone I loved was the worst thing ever at the time. And while I do miss my family and friends terribly, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today if I hadn’t. I never would gotten the experience of running my own store. I wouldn’t get nearly as excited about spending the weekend with family. I never would have learned that I can be a self-sufficient woman. You can’t rely on your mommy when she’s 4 hours away!
I spent the first 5 years of my marriage thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a family. Excited about everything the future held. It was so fun to talk about what kind of mother I would be, what we would name our kids, how many we would have. My in-laws and I had a great time teasing Brent about having babies.
The past year I’ve spent trying to make that dream come true. And as of now, it hasn’t. It’s been tough, it’s been heartbreaking, and, at times, I have questioned if it is worth it. As hard as this past year has been, I know God has a reason for it, and through all the pain, I’ve learned what a wonderful husband I have. Celebrating the joy of pregnancy and the devastation of a loss has strengthened my marriage. We’re in this together, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, through good times and bad, ‘til death do us part. When something bad happens, you learn the meaning behind the words in those vows you said in front of God and the rest of the world.
I have experienced heartbreak. I’ve had my faith in God tested. But I have learned never to give up. Where hope grows, miracles blossom. There is light at the end of every tunnel. While I can’t see exactly where that light leads yet, I’m catching a glimpse of it every now and then.
For now, I’m going to continue working on myself. I’m letting go of the pain, starting over new. I’m finding out who I am and doing it on purpose. I’m taking the good with the bad, smiling with the sad, loving what I’ve got, and remembering what I had. I’m learning to forgive, but never forget, learning from my mistakes and to never regret. People change, things go wrong, but I’m starting to realize that life goes on. Sometimes we must get hurt in order grow. We must fail on order to know that sometimes our vision is clear only after our eyes have been washed away with tears.
I’m going to be happy even though life isn’t perfect. I’m going to look beyond the imperfections. I’m taking a step outside of myself, turning around and seeing who I am. And you know what? I kind of like me. Excess baggage and all.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Moving ON...

This has been a really rough week for me. Yesterday, October 1, would have been the due date of our first child had we not suffered a miscarriage. I still have a big hole in my heart from that day, and the fact that I am no closer to having a baby in my arms now than I was then makes it even harder. Not only was yesterday my due date, but it was the end of hopes for another month...officially 10 months of trying and nothing...
I have dreaded this day coming, but now that it is over, I know I need to move on. I will never forget my lost child, but I know I can't spend the rest of my life dwelling on it.
Trying to get pregnant has been the single hardest thing I have ever gone through. And I know we've still got a journey ahead of us, it's not going to get any easier. I'm holding out for a miracle to happen in the next couple months before we seek a doctor's help...I'm not sure if I can handle finding out something is wrong with one or both of us.
But from this day forward, I am moving on and looking towards a brighter tomorrow. As heartbreaking as this process has been, it's made me a stronger person, and it's strengthened my bond with my husband.
With all my heart, I know one way or another, someday, somehow, I will be a mother.
I'm ending this post with a poem that touched my heart...

Daddy, please don’t look so sad
Mama please don’t cry
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies
Please, try not to question God
Or think He is unkind
Don’t think He sent me to you
And then He changed his mind
You see, I am a special child
And I’m needed up above
I’m the special gift you gave Him
The product of your love
I’ll always be there with you
And watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that’s gleaming
That’s my halo’s brilliant light
You’ll see me in the morning frost
That mists your window pane
That’s me in the summer showers
I’ll be dancing in the rain
When you feel a little breeze
From a gentle wind that blows
That’s me, I’ll be there
Planting a kiss on your nose
When you see a child playing
And your heart feels a little tug
That’s me, I’ll be there
Giving your heart a hug
So daddy, please don’t look so sad
And mama, don’t you cry
I’m in the arms of Jesus
And He sings me lullabies