Monday, April 25, 2011


Well, I went in for an ultrasound today to check and see how the follicles were developing. Turns out I have a big cyst on my right ovary, but nothing that looks like it is going to release an egg again. ;-(
My doctor feels like he is wasting my money if he keeps continuing to treat me with this stuff, because it's not working. So, he said the next step it to see a fertility specialist, and do injectibles.
However, those run approximately $2,000 per cycle, so that is something that is just not in our future anytime soon...unless anyone comes upon a money tree with my name on it. ;-)
He said we could always get lucky, it did happen once before with no treatment. And he also said that while I was not very heavy, studies have shown that people with PCOS have a better chance of ovulating on their own if they lose 10% or so of their body weight. Usually that works with women who are heavier than me to start with, but it can't hurt. And it doesn't cost any money!
I'm down about 10 pounds from when I started seeing him, so if I lose another 1-12 more, that would be about 10% or so. He thought maybe around 150 would be a good goal. If I can get the weight off and ovulate on my own, we might be able to get pregnant on our own, plus, there's not so much drugs in my system that way.
I kind of feel like after 14 months of treatment, all of them being on one kind of medication or another, my body is just saying enough is enough. It's confused, mad, and doesn't want anymore interventions for awhile. Not sure if that's really even possible, but I don't know why it couldn't be.
I'm trying not to be too down about it...there's really nothing I can do, except try to lose some weight, and try to save some money in case that doesn't work. I can't change the way my body is. But it just makes me feel so bad that the whole reason we can't have a baby is MY fault!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Infertility Confessions...

When you desperately want to have a baby, you have a lot of private thoughts that you’d rather not share with the world. Your best friend doesn’t need to know that you sobbed in a public bathroom after she told you she was pregnant (and those weren’t tears of happiness). Your husband doesn’t need to know that you’ve actually touched your own cervical mucus; and your pregnant Facebook friend doesn’t need to know that you’ve hidden her so you don’t have to see her growing belly photos. Here’s a few of my own infertility confessions. Because, even though it’s a horrible, crappy situation, laughter is always the best medicine.

**Whether it’s tampons or those very stylish maxi pads, I always convince myself that this will be the LAST box of feminine hygiene products I will ever purchase. Well, maybe not ever, but at least for the next, oh, 9 months or so. When going to the drug store, I can be found cursing in the feminine hygiene aisle. “I can’t believe I have to buy another stupid box of tampons.” So I do the only rational thing an infertile can do, I purchase the smallest box of tampons I can find. None of those family sized feminine hygiene products for me! I buy the bare minimum. After all, this is the LAST time I will ever get my period so I won’t need them anymore. Yeah, right.
The next month, the evil witch returns and I end up tearing my bathroom apart because I can’t find a single feminine product to wear. And good luck if it starts away from home…I have nothing in my purse, and I end up stuffing toilet paper in my panties. Great, another pair of stained underwear! Infertility has appointed me the President of the Soiled Underwear Club. I might as well get all my panties at the dollar store at this rate. I would rather stuff toilet paper in my underwear for the next 7 days, than buy another box of pads or tampons. Want to find out if a woman is having infertility problems? Go to your local drug store. She will be in the feminine aisle sobbing over a box of lady products…

It’s a sad but true story.

**I am always relieved when I see another woman carry a tampon into a bathroom stall, or when I hear that packaging crinkling and unwrapping from the stall next to me. “Yay, she’s not pregnant!!” There are always a million pregnant women all around me, but I’ve just found one who is not! Of course, she’s not even trying, and once she does she’ll get pregnant immediately, but for now, she’s dealing with Aunt Flo just like I am!

**I find myself giving bad baby name advice because I’m scared that all the good names will be gone before I actually get to have a baby. Someone tells me the great news---they’re pregnant. I try really hard to be happy for her and not bitter like I usually am. Somewhere deep down, I’m trying to make small talk about the baby-to-be and ask, “so have you thought of any names yet?” I’ve nailed down firm names for my first 3 boys and 5 girls that haven’t materialized yet – What if someone takes something off of my list? So I start giving really bad baby name advice – just picking the ones that are the furthest away from anything that I’d ever choose. “Oh sure,” I say, “I looooooove the name Bertha. So soft, so delicate. And Ursula doesn’t remind me at all of that horrible witch that tried to kill the little mermaid. What was that last one? What? HOW do you spell that? Oh sure, that sounds FABULOUS! I really think you should go with that one… that you just said… that I can’t pronounce…

Friday, April 15, 2011

How did I get here?

As a new cycle started this week, I can't help but take a breath, look around, scratch my head, and wonder how I got to this place of infertility. All my expectations have been proved wrong. Like many of us, I started out the journey so positive and expected success right away. When things didn't happen, I spent so long being hopeful that somehow all of our issues would work themselves out naturally.
I never thought I would need fertility treatment, and here I am, 2 and a half years later, 14 months into treatment with no success. 7 previous rounds of Femara haven't worked, including one with an HCG shot. 3 rounds of Clomid didn't work. An IUI didn't work. I didn't even ovulate last cycle!
How did I get here? Why did God choose this path for us? Why is it that we can't have something that feels like it should be a birth right? Why do I have to feel jealous, angry, upset, frustrated, and broken-hearted all the time? I'm a good person and the love I would have for my child would be enough to fill up the Grand Canyon.
I don't think my "whys" will ever be answered. I will never know God's plan or why he chose this path for us. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe someday the reason for all this will be clear to me, but right now, it's really hard to see the blueprints through the tears...
You never know how strong you are until it's the only choice you have, and the only thing you can do.
Each step I take brings me one step further away from a disappointing past, and closer to a hope filled future.
Here's to hoping God will take my broken pieces, and turn them into masterpieces...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

FWD: Cross to Bear

Yesterday I opened up an email, what I thought was a typical forward. You know how some of them are funny, some are informative, and some of them you wonder why in the world someone sent this to you in the first place!
This one was different. It was inspirational to me. At the end of the email was a lovely little poem about the crosses we bear, and how God helps us carry them.
Infertility is my cross to bear. It's nice to know I'm not alone in carrying it. While I may have the heavier end, God is on the other, helping me to hold on and not fall down from the weight of it...

We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we can't.

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine, after the rain....

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;
But God's always ready, to answer your call.....

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
a word from His lips, can calm every fear...

Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish, dawn's early light...

The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,
to give you His grace, and send you His love....

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

......and you question God -'why me?'..
always look at the bigger picture......
A day without the Lord- Is a day wasted.