Friday, April 15, 2011

How did I get here?

As a new cycle started this week, I can't help but take a breath, look around, scratch my head, and wonder how I got to this place of infertility. All my expectations have been proved wrong. Like many of us, I started out the journey so positive and expected success right away. When things didn't happen, I spent so long being hopeful that somehow all of our issues would work themselves out naturally.
I never thought I would need fertility treatment, and here I am, 2 and a half years later, 14 months into treatment with no success. 7 previous rounds of Femara haven't worked, including one with an HCG shot. 3 rounds of Clomid didn't work. An IUI didn't work. I didn't even ovulate last cycle!
How did I get here? Why did God choose this path for us? Why is it that we can't have something that feels like it should be a birth right? Why do I have to feel jealous, angry, upset, frustrated, and broken-hearted all the time? I'm a good person and the love I would have for my child would be enough to fill up the Grand Canyon.
I don't think my "whys" will ever be answered. I will never know God's plan or why he chose this path for us. Everything happens for a reason, and maybe someday the reason for all this will be clear to me, but right now, it's really hard to see the blueprints through the tears...
You never know how strong you are until it's the only choice you have, and the only thing you can do.
Each step I take brings me one step further away from a disappointing past, and closer to a hope filled future.
Here's to hoping God will take my broken pieces, and turn them into masterpieces...

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