Sunday, October 4, 2009

Self Discovery

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past few years. Some good things, and some bad things. It’s taking me a while to become the person I want to be, but I’m getting there.
Life’s not always a party. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows. But, life is like photography. We develop from negatives.
I thought moving away from everyone I loved was the worst thing ever at the time. And while I do miss my family and friends terribly, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today if I hadn’t. I never would gotten the experience of running my own store. I wouldn’t get nearly as excited about spending the weekend with family. I never would have learned that I can be a self-sufficient woman. You can’t rely on your mommy when she’s 4 hours away!
I spent the first 5 years of my marriage thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a family. Excited about everything the future held. It was so fun to talk about what kind of mother I would be, what we would name our kids, how many we would have. My in-laws and I had a great time teasing Brent about having babies.
The past year I’ve spent trying to make that dream come true. And as of now, it hasn’t. It’s been tough, it’s been heartbreaking, and, at times, I have questioned if it is worth it. As hard as this past year has been, I know God has a reason for it, and through all the pain, I’ve learned what a wonderful husband I have. Celebrating the joy of pregnancy and the devastation of a loss has strengthened my marriage. We’re in this together, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, through good times and bad, ‘til death do us part. When something bad happens, you learn the meaning behind the words in those vows you said in front of God and the rest of the world.
I have experienced heartbreak. I’ve had my faith in God tested. But I have learned never to give up. Where hope grows, miracles blossom. There is light at the end of every tunnel. While I can’t see exactly where that light leads yet, I’m catching a glimpse of it every now and then.
For now, I’m going to continue working on myself. I’m letting go of the pain, starting over new. I’m finding out who I am and doing it on purpose. I’m taking the good with the bad, smiling with the sad, loving what I’ve got, and remembering what I had. I’m learning to forgive, but never forget, learning from my mistakes and to never regret. People change, things go wrong, but I’m starting to realize that life goes on. Sometimes we must get hurt in order grow. We must fail on order to know that sometimes our vision is clear only after our eyes have been washed away with tears.
I’m going to be happy even though life isn’t perfect. I’m going to look beyond the imperfections. I’m taking a step outside of myself, turning around and seeing who I am. And you know what? I kind of like me. Excess baggage and all.

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