I found this poem on an infertility website, and it touched my heart. It's amazing how so many women know exactly how I feel, from so many miles away...
When do I stop? When do I realize it's enough?
Why does it have to be me who has it so tough?
There are many out there who are evil and perverse.
Yet do You burden them with an infertility curse?
A 16 year old delivers a healthy baby boy
then throws him in the garbage like some old broken toy.
A drug addict has 3 beautiful little ones
and beats them black and blue for nothing they have done.
A worn-out woman with already more than she can bear
sighs dissapointedly when she sees two lines are there.
God give me one, just one to cherish all my days
And I promise that to You I'll give all glory, credit and praise.
Make it stop, this intense longing and fear.
Please give me a child that I can hold near!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Ode to Infertility
‘Twas the night before your period and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.
The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,
in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.
Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,
while visions of cramps start to come before bed.
You’re sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,
you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.
But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,
so why does this test never show those two lines?
And you cry on the floor until you are ill,
tomorrow you’ll refuse to take your prenatal pill.
“Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!”
“On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!”
We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,
but each month all we do is pee on that stick.
We know more about ovulation than our family doc,
so please fill our womb before our friends newborns can talk!
We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,
but we’ve spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.
Our spouse has more sex than his full teenage years,
but this time he’s not bragging to all of his peers.
So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,
Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!
not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.
The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,
in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.
Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,
while visions of cramps start to come before bed.
You’re sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,
you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.
But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,
so why does this test never show those two lines?
And you cry on the floor until you are ill,
tomorrow you’ll refuse to take your prenatal pill.
“Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!”
“On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!”
We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,
but each month all we do is pee on that stick.
We know more about ovulation than our family doc,
so please fill our womb before our friends newborns can talk!
We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,
but we’ve spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.
Our spouse has more sex than his full teenage years,
but this time he’s not bragging to all of his peers.
So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,
Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
A Letter to My Unborn Child...
They say it helps to write a letter to your unborn, future baby when you are struggling with infertility…so, here goes nothing.
Dear Baby,
As I anxiously wait to conceive you, many thoughts run through my head.
Will your head be shaped like a test tube? What if they implant the wrong embryos into my uterus? Will you grow in my belly, or someone else's?
Sometimes I wonder if you will ever be real...
I’m sorry we've turned your nursery into daddy's man cave. When you come, you better come out a Philadelphia Eagles fan, or you will be very disappointed in the decor.
Daddy really wants you to come, too, so mommy can stop being an emotional wreck and ruining his marriage...
After all our fertility costs, we might not be able to afford to send you to college, buy you new clothes or even feed you but mommy and daddy still love you very much. And no one (but child social services) can take that away from us.
I want you to know that I love you so much already, even though I may never get to meet you. If the day never comes that we meet face to face, just know how much I wanted you. Please know that it wasn't for lack of trying. Mommy prayed and prayed and prayed to the good Lord, begging him to bring you to me...to place you in my arms, to let me see your sweet face, breathe in your scent, and finally hear your precious little voice say "Mama."
Sweet little child of mine, if the day ever comes that we shall meet, and I can call you my very own, I promise I will love you more than anything in the whole world.
I will be there for you no matter what. You will always be able to count on me. I will protect you from scary monsters under your bed. I will let you crawl in bed with Daddy and me when the angels in Heaven are bowling and making thunder. I will kiss your boo-boos and place band-aids shaped like whatever character is "in" at the moment on your little skinned up knees. I will be there to comfort you when you've had a bad dream.
I will let you make your own mistakes so you can learn from them. I will have two shoulders for you to cry on when you find out how mean kids can be, when your heart gets broken for the first time, and when you lose someone you love. I will argue with you about what clothes you should wear, and in the end, I will let you win, because I would never want you to not have the same "cool" clothes your friends have. I will be there to pick you up when you fall, when you get a bad grade, and when so-and-so won't let you sit at their lunch table.
I will help you pick out your first dress or tux for Prom, and I will take more pictures than is necessary, because that’s what Moms do.
I will cry tears of joy and swell with pride at your preschool, kindergarten, high school, and college graduations, no matter how many years it takes you to get there.
I will always be just a phone call away when you move away and don't know how to do laundry, make food that doesn't come from a box, or spell a word, and I will promptly hand the phone over to Daddy when you need to know how to change a tire, fix something, or hook up a stereo.
When you find your soul mate and get married, I will help you plan your wedding, and I will be the sobbing mess sitting in the front row next to your Daddy watching you walk away from your life with us and start a new life of your own.
When you have your own children, I will be there to pass down advice that was passed down to me. I will show you how I changed your little diapers, and how having a child of your own will be the only way to show you how much I really love you.
And when the day comes that I won't be here on Earth with you anymore, I will still be here for you, and I will still love you. I will watch over you and your family from Heaven, because having a child is learning to let your heart walk outside of your body, and as long as your heart still beats, I will be with you.
I hope I get to meet you soon. But until then, you are always on my mind, and always in my heart.
Love,
Your Mommy
Dear Baby,
As I anxiously wait to conceive you, many thoughts run through my head.
Will your head be shaped like a test tube? What if they implant the wrong embryos into my uterus? Will you grow in my belly, or someone else's?
Sometimes I wonder if you will ever be real...
I’m sorry we've turned your nursery into daddy's man cave. When you come, you better come out a Philadelphia Eagles fan, or you will be very disappointed in the decor.
Daddy really wants you to come, too, so mommy can stop being an emotional wreck and ruining his marriage...
After all our fertility costs, we might not be able to afford to send you to college, buy you new clothes or even feed you but mommy and daddy still love you very much. And no one (but child social services) can take that away from us.
I want you to know that I love you so much already, even though I may never get to meet you. If the day never comes that we meet face to face, just know how much I wanted you. Please know that it wasn't for lack of trying. Mommy prayed and prayed and prayed to the good Lord, begging him to bring you to me...to place you in my arms, to let me see your sweet face, breathe in your scent, and finally hear your precious little voice say "Mama."
Sweet little child of mine, if the day ever comes that we shall meet, and I can call you my very own, I promise I will love you more than anything in the whole world.
I will be there for you no matter what. You will always be able to count on me. I will protect you from scary monsters under your bed. I will let you crawl in bed with Daddy and me when the angels in Heaven are bowling and making thunder. I will kiss your boo-boos and place band-aids shaped like whatever character is "in" at the moment on your little skinned up knees. I will be there to comfort you when you've had a bad dream.
I will let you make your own mistakes so you can learn from them. I will have two shoulders for you to cry on when you find out how mean kids can be, when your heart gets broken for the first time, and when you lose someone you love. I will argue with you about what clothes you should wear, and in the end, I will let you win, because I would never want you to not have the same "cool" clothes your friends have. I will be there to pick you up when you fall, when you get a bad grade, and when so-and-so won't let you sit at their lunch table.
I will help you pick out your first dress or tux for Prom, and I will take more pictures than is necessary, because that’s what Moms do.
I will cry tears of joy and swell with pride at your preschool, kindergarten, high school, and college graduations, no matter how many years it takes you to get there.
I will always be just a phone call away when you move away and don't know how to do laundry, make food that doesn't come from a box, or spell a word, and I will promptly hand the phone over to Daddy when you need to know how to change a tire, fix something, or hook up a stereo.
When you find your soul mate and get married, I will help you plan your wedding, and I will be the sobbing mess sitting in the front row next to your Daddy watching you walk away from your life with us and start a new life of your own.
When you have your own children, I will be there to pass down advice that was passed down to me. I will show you how I changed your little diapers, and how having a child of your own will be the only way to show you how much I really love you.
And when the day comes that I won't be here on Earth with you anymore, I will still be here for you, and I will still love you. I will watch over you and your family from Heaven, because having a child is learning to let your heart walk outside of your body, and as long as your heart still beats, I will be with you.
I hope I get to meet you soon. But until then, you are always on my mind, and always in my heart.
Love,
Your Mommy
I'm a Poet and I know it!
When you’re at the end of your infertile rope, don't smoke dope, just hold on to hope.
If you just want to mope and overeat cantaloupe and crank call the Pope, still hold onto hope.
When you’re body says “nope,” and your mind says “can’t cope” and your tubes can’t fallop, just hold on to hope.
When you can’t remember the last time you used soap, your bad breath wants Scope, your best friend wants to elope, and you're at the end of your rope, don't say nope, just hold on to hope.
If only Dr. Suess could see me now...
If you just want to mope and overeat cantaloupe and crank call the Pope, still hold onto hope.
When you’re body says “nope,” and your mind says “can’t cope” and your tubes can’t fallop, just hold on to hope.
When you can’t remember the last time you used soap, your bad breath wants Scope, your best friend wants to elope, and you're at the end of your rope, don't say nope, just hold on to hope.
If only Dr. Suess could see me now...
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Are you there Uterus? It's me, Amanda...
Fertility treatment is supposed to be the magical solution. So why didn't mine work?
I tried to conceive naturally for a year and nothing happened.
Sperm got into a fight with Egg and refused to even touch her.
I went to the fertility doctor to seek out that magical cure.
I started with fertility drugs but that didn’t work.
I felt relieved to try an IUI because I knew that would be my magical fertility cure.
Umm...my uterus didn’t get the memo.
Although I have not yet, I might someday have to bite the bullet (not literally) and spend my life savings (If I ever have one) on IVF.
Finally, IVF will be my magical fertility solution and I know that would definitely work. How could it go wrong? The doctors actually stick the sperm right inside the egg!
So what happens when my magical IVF cure doesn’t work? After all, if I would be in IVF land (sort of like Disneyland but with more bumpy roller coasters), there is nowhere else to go.
Sometimes, fertility treatments, IUI and IVF do not work on the first try. There is no magical explanation although I search for the answer on Google. Maybe I'll have to do it a couple times or even more...
When it doesn’t work on the first time, it's hard not to lose faith and hope, but natural pregnancies don’t typically work on the first month so just because I paid all this money and screwed up my body with fertility drugs, doesn’t mean my uterus got the message!
When magical cures don’t happen on the first try, miracle wonders will, no doubt, occur later on...
So for now, while waiting for the magic to happen, I am working on a couple things. Losing some weight is number one. I have lost about 10 pounds or so, but my goal is to lose about 15 more. Getting my BMI out of the overweight range can only help my situation. I'm also taking the advice of some very knowledgable friends, and my favorite Aunt Nurse, and seeing a chiropractor. In some cases, getting adjusted in the lower back area can help a woman get pregnant...who knew? I have to say after my first visit, I'm feeling like my uterus is mad at me...and my shoulders, and hips, and everything else...I sure am sore!
I've also decided I'm no longer going to let infertility consume me. It's not going to be the first thing I think of when I wake up, or the last thing that comes to mind before bed. I'm going to continue my dieting, exercising, chiropractoring, hoping, wishing, dreaming, and praying...but for a respectable portion of the day. ;-)
I tried to conceive naturally for a year and nothing happened.
Sperm got into a fight with Egg and refused to even touch her.
I went to the fertility doctor to seek out that magical cure.
I started with fertility drugs but that didn’t work.
I felt relieved to try an IUI because I knew that would be my magical fertility cure.
Umm...my uterus didn’t get the memo.
Although I have not yet, I might someday have to bite the bullet (not literally) and spend my life savings (If I ever have one) on IVF.
Finally, IVF will be my magical fertility solution and I know that would definitely work. How could it go wrong? The doctors actually stick the sperm right inside the egg!
So what happens when my magical IVF cure doesn’t work? After all, if I would be in IVF land (sort of like Disneyland but with more bumpy roller coasters), there is nowhere else to go.
Sometimes, fertility treatments, IUI and IVF do not work on the first try. There is no magical explanation although I search for the answer on Google. Maybe I'll have to do it a couple times or even more...
When it doesn’t work on the first time, it's hard not to lose faith and hope, but natural pregnancies don’t typically work on the first month so just because I paid all this money and screwed up my body with fertility drugs, doesn’t mean my uterus got the message!
When magical cures don’t happen on the first try, miracle wonders will, no doubt, occur later on...
So for now, while waiting for the magic to happen, I am working on a couple things. Losing some weight is number one. I have lost about 10 pounds or so, but my goal is to lose about 15 more. Getting my BMI out of the overweight range can only help my situation. I'm also taking the advice of some very knowledgable friends, and my favorite Aunt Nurse, and seeing a chiropractor. In some cases, getting adjusted in the lower back area can help a woman get pregnant...who knew? I have to say after my first visit, I'm feeling like my uterus is mad at me...and my shoulders, and hips, and everything else...I sure am sore!
I've also decided I'm no longer going to let infertility consume me. It's not going to be the first thing I think of when I wake up, or the last thing that comes to mind before bed. I'm going to continue my dieting, exercising, chiropractoring, hoping, wishing, dreaming, and praying...but for a respectable portion of the day. ;-)
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