...and the Journey Continues...

I had never really given much thought to where our infertility journey might go after being blessed with Carson. Brent and I had not really decided if we were going to try to have more children or not. That all changed on August 10, 2013. I had felt a little off for a few days, so I decided to take a pregnancy test, just to be safe, even though I figured there was no way it would be positive. It took us 3 years and many failed fertility treatments before we had Carson, how in the world could we just get pregnant on our own without even trying? But, that was the case. A very positive pregnancy test was staring me back in the face. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt. Happy, excited, but also nervous and a little worried. I sent Brent a picture of the test and told him to call me on his lunch break, I think he felt the same way with the news. We spent the next few weeks discussing how we were going to make things work, and I think we both started to get really excited. We also shared the news that Carson was going to be a big brother with our parents and siblings, and everyone was excited to say the least. I also spent much of the day dealing with morning sickness. Or really, all day sickness as it should be called. Sick and tired was how I felt for sure! We had an ultrasound and check up scheduled on September 17, as any pregnant woman is, I felt very excited and nervous. What a wonderful blessing to be able to have TWO children when for a long time I thought I’d never get one. Unfortunately, this is where the story takes a sad turn. The ultrasound revealed what is called a blighted ovum, or an empty gestational sac. Basically, what happens is the egg is fertilized and implanted and a sac forms, but a baby never grows inside it. At the time of the appointment, I should have been around 10 weeks, but the sac only measured about 6. There really is no reason why this happens, but I guess it is very common. A lot of the time when it happens, women don’t even know they are pregnant or end up knowing something is wrong because they start bleeding. In my case, my body still thought it was pregnant, and was still producing the hormone and pregnancy symptoms, just as any viable pregnancy would be. Once again, I was being deceived by my body. There was no indication that anything was wrong at all, I still had all my symptoms, no bleeding, nothing. I was devastated. I never realized how much I wanted a second child until I had one…and then it was taken away. I found myself angry with God. After all that we have been through trying to have a family, why in the world would he surprise us with a pregnancy only to take it away? That is a question I am still having a hard time dealing with. It makes no sense to me at all, and my heart really aches because of it. The Dr. came in and told us again that there was nothing that could have been done, gave me a Rogham shot since I am RH- and my blood type is A-, and told me what to expect if I started bleeding on my own, but also scheduled an appointment for the following Monday just in case. Nothing happened over the next week. It's hard enough having to deal with losing a baby, it's even harder when your body still thinks it's pregnant and you're just playing a waiting game wondering when the baby is going to leave your body... Monday came, and I went to the appointment. He scheduled me for another ultrasound Thursday morning just to double check, but also scheduled a D&C so it was on the schedule since we were most likely going to need it. The ultrasound showed the same thing on Thursday morning. An empty sac, as empty as my arms. I thought I would be okay seeing it again since I knew what to expect that time, but it was still hard and I lost it in the car. I had the D&C on Thursday, and then rested Friday and the weekend at home. I don't remember anything other than waiting and waiting for the Dr. before hand and waking up in the recovery room. It's nice to not have any memory of the awful procedure. I had a bit of pain for a few days, but nothing really worse than a usual monthly "gift" and I am healing nicely, at least physically anyway. Now that everything is done, I'm moving on. Why a person has to go through so much heartache I will never know. Two miscarriages, 3 years of empty arms and broken hearts trying to have a baby, more ultrasounds and medications and tests than I can even list here. But, through it all, I know I have the best gift in the world. 17 months ago, I was finally blessed with my own little boy, and I finally became a mommy. Carson is everything that I ever could have wanted and so much more. He is the reason I can keep staying strong, he is my world. I love him so much. I don't know where we'll go from here. I don't know if we will try to have another child, or if we'll even be able to have another one. I don't know if I want to keep putting my heart through this. Maybe this is God's way of telling me I should only have one baby...

The First Year...

 A year of shared discovery,
milestones for you and me.
These special baby firsts
leave the sweetest memories.

Your first day of life you entered
a big world – bright and new.
I discovered life’s great miracle,
and watched my dreams come true.

Your first bath you experienced
warm water and shampoo
I enjoyed soft baby skin,
and its sweet heavenly perfume.

With your first smile you responded
to a grown-up’s silly patter.
I realized when you smiled,
all else ceased to matter.

Your first tooth you welcomed
with a grin and happy cheer.
I treasured your new feature
as a prized baby souvenir.

With your first steps you found
independence from my hand.
I learned I’d have to watch you fall,
in order that you stand.

Your first birthday you discovered
your first cake and birthday song.
I discovered your first year,
had too quickly come and gone.

I can't believe it's been a whole year already!

From the first time I held him, heard his first cry
Love had a face, and he looked into mine
Now a year has passed, how time does fly
A year full of firsts, special child of mine.
First giggles,
First tumbles,
First teeth,
First smile,
Every second worth all the while.
A very short year, full of firsts and fun
I love you so much, Carson David, I can't believe you're ONE!!

I can't believe you've gone from this..

 To this so quickly...

 

Carson's Birthday in Pictures

 Carson's Smash Cake

 Mom, do NOT make me wear this hat on my birthday!

 Big boy!

 12 months old!!

 Mmm, lunch!

 Uncle Brian

 Grandma and Grandpa Lloyd

 Great Aunt Tina and Cousin Josh

 Mmm...frosting!

 I only want the frosting!

 Yummy yumm!!

 This feels funny mom!

 Cute boy!

 We didn't really smash our cake too much!

 Carson's big cak!

Decorated high chair for the birthday boy!

Words of Wisdom and Hilarity...

Excellent sleep advice...

"You shouldn’t sleep train at all, before a year, before 6 months, or before 4 months, but if you wait too late, your baby will never be able to sleep without you. College-aged children never need to be nursed, rocked, helped to sleep, so don’t worry about any bad habits. Nursing, rocking, singing, swaddling, etc to sleep are all bad habits and should be stopped immediately.
Naps should only be taken in the bed, never in a swing, car seat, stroller, or when worn. Letting them sleep in the car seat or swing will damage their skulls. If your baby has trouble falling asleep in the bed, put them in a swing, car seat, stroller, or wear them. Use the crib only for sleep and keep it free of distractions. If the baby is having trouble adjusting to the crib, have them play in it first. If the baby wakes up at night and wants to play, put fun toys in the crib to distract them.
Put the baby in a nursery, bed in your room, in your bed. Co-sleeping is the best way to get sleep, except that it can kill your baby, so never, ever do it. If your baby doesn't die, you will need to bed-share until college.
Keep the room warm, but not too warm. Swaddle the baby tightly, but not too tightly. Put them on their backs to sleep, but don't let them be on their backs too long or they will be developmentally delayed. Give them a pacifier to reduce SIDS. Be careful about pacifiers because they can cause nursing problems and stop your baby from sleeping soundly. If your baby sleeps too soundly, they’ll die of SIDS.
Don’t let your baby sleep too long, except when they’ve been napping too much, then you should wake them. Never wake a sleeping baby. Any baby problem can be solved by putting them to bed earlier, even if they are waking up too early. If your baby wakes up too early, put them to bed later or cut out a nap. Don’t let them nap after 5 p.m. Sleep begets sleep, so try to get your child to sleep as much as possible. Put the baby to bed awake but drowsy. Don't wake the baby if it fell asleep while nursing.
You should start a routine and keep track of everything. Don’t watch the clock. Put them on a schedule. Scheduling will make your life impossible because they will constantly be thrown off of it and you will become a prisoner in your home.
Using the "Cry It Out" method (CIO) will make them think they’ve been abandoned and will be eaten by a lion shortly. It also causes brain damage. Not getting enough sleep will cause behavior and mental problems, so be sure to put them to sleep by any means necessary, especially CIO, which is the most effective form. CIO is cruel beyond belief and the only thing that truly works because parents are a distraction.
Formula and solid foods will help the baby sleep longer. Solid foods shouldn’t be given at night because they might wake the baby. Don't stop the baby from nursing when asleep. Be wary of night feeds. If you respond too quickly with food or comfort, your baby is manipulating you. Babies can’t manipulate. Babies older than six months can manipulate.
Sleep when the baby sleeps. Clean when the baby cleans. Don’t worry. Stress causes your baby stress and a stressed baby won't sleep."

10 & 11 months

I'm combining these...because I'm behind, and because they're pretty much the same. In fact, everything is pretty much the same.

At his last appointment, Carson weighed 22 pounds or so. He's a toad. :)

The tubes in his ears went well...although he was a bit traumatized for awhile after and cried everytime we would leave the room. Poor babe. He's been much healthier though ever since!

No mare paci in this house...we took it away during the day and he fussed for a week or so and seemed like he missed it. We gave it to him a little while longer if he woke up in the night, but we've been completely off it for a couple weeks now!

Next, we're working on getting rid of the bottle. We've finally found a sippy Carson likes, so we've tried whole milk, water, and formula in it successfully. We're replacing several bottles with meals, and are down to 2 or 3 bottles max, and I think the night time one will be the only one we have here soon.

Carson has 3 teeth! Still none on the top. The last one on the bottom popped through suddenly, we didn't even know he was working on it!

He is still wearing 12 month clothes and size 3 diapers.

He's still not completely crawling, but he army crawls all over the place and can definitely get where he wants to go...which is usually not where Mommy wants him to go. I think he's frustrated not being able to walk or crawl yet...I'm hoping that is the reason for the whining and it will end soon when he gets more mobile.

I can't believe his 1st birthday is a couple short weeks away...seems like just yesterday he was a newborn. It's a great thing because he gets more and more fun as he ages, but he's very quickly becoming not a baby anymore, and it breaks this mama's heart.

I love you Carson David!


Pictures for your enjoyment...

11 months

 10 months

9 Months Old!

I’m writing this 9 month post when Carson will be 10 months in a week, but times flies when you’re having fun!

Carson was 29.5 inches long and 21lbs. 4.6 oz at his checkup last week. One of those is in the 70^th some percentile, and one in the 80^th some, but I can’t remember which one.

We unfortunately got to experience our first ER visit and overnight hospital stay on February 4 and 5. Carson was fine when we put him to bed, but Brent heard him coughing in the monitor, and he thought it sounded like he was breathing hard, so he went in and checked on him and thought he was struggling to breathe. He woke me up and we headed to Iowa Falls to the Emergency room. Carson was in great spirits for the most part. His oxygen level was 92 when we got there, and they don’t really like babies to be under 95, so they right away gave him a nebulizer treatment, and that seemed to help.
The Dr. wanted him to have an IV with some steroids and an antibiotic and fluids, but after 4 attempts to start an IV, including both hands and feet and the anesthesiologist, they had no luck, so 2 shots is what he got instead. Watching them struggle and hold him down for an hour and a half with no luck was the worst part of it.
After being in the hospital from 2:00 a.m. Monday until 10:00 a.m. Tuesday, we came home with some nebulizer  treatments and steroids and he is much better now.
He gets tubes in his ears on February 25, so I am really hoping this helps him stay healthy.

Much of the same for this month’s post…

--Size 3 diapers
--12 month clothes
--size 2 shoes ( we have 3’s but they are too big, he has tiny feet!)
--still 2 teeth
--not crawling, but swimming. Dr. isn’t concerned yet, he will crawl when he is ready
--finally starting to show an interest in pulling himself up
--Gives high fives, does so big, and is getting close to saying uh oh and waving
--Hates when mom hands him to someone else, and wants me all the time
--still not sleeping great…usually goes to bed fine, but once he wakes up he doesn’t want to be alone and sleeps better in his bouncer or swing
--still not much into chunkier baby food or things with much texture
--getting GREAT with the sippy cup, he can get some out by himself now
--Eats 4 or so 6 oz. bottles a day, sometimes some breakfast, but usually not interested, 2 baby foods for lunch, and one or two for supper, with occasional snacks of puffs or mum mums.
--I put a tiny splash of juice in with his water this morning and he loved it
--no longer using the infant bath tub, he LOVES splashing and taking big boy baths
--still getting frustrated that he can’t crawl, but just can’t figure it out yet, although he’s great at rolling and scooting!
--got his first hair trim on Sunday, February 17 at home in his high chair, just a trim over the ears.

I’m still loving this little boy more than words, and so thankful to be his mommy. I’m loving watching him grow and change every day, but at the same time, a little sad that he’s becoming less of a baby and more of a little boy right before my eyes. 

8 Months Old!

Carson David, I can’t believe you are 8 months old already. 8 and a ½ now that I am finally getting to write this.

Not a lot has changed in the past month. You’re still wearing the same size diapers, and wearing mostly 12 month clothes, although some 9 month stuff still fits fine.
You’re eating 2, maybe 3 “meals” a day in addition to usually 5 bottles. The bottles are all formula now since my pump broke. But, that’s not a story for this post. J
You’ve recently started picking up finger food and putting it in your mouth, you love Mum Mums and puffs. We’ve tried chunkier baby food and cottage cheese with no success.
You had another ear infection. And because of all the antibitotics, you now have C. Diff. I had to push the Dr.’s to test you for it, but I’m glad I did. You were a little poop machine!!  You are going to see an ENT next month, and I’m sure we will be discussing tubes for your ears.

You’re still not interested in crawling, but you are getting great at rolling both directions, back and forth, and you’re really sticking your little bum in the air and scooting around. You sit up like a champ.

Lately you’ve really been having some separation anxiety, especially with Mama. If you can see me and hear me, you think I should be holding you. You’ve started reaching your arms up for me when you want me to pick you up, and it absolutely melts my heart.

You have NOT been sleeping well. I don’t know if it’s the C. diff or the separation anxiety or both, but Daddy and I have both spent a lot of nights holding you on the couch lately because that is the only way you will sleep. We’ve discovered that you do pretty in the bouncy seat right next to the bed, too. You fall asleep fine in your crib, but once you wake up, you just don’t want to be alone.

You still have the two toofers, no other ones have come through yet.
You absolutely still love to jump all the time!

You are spoiled rotten. But, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Sometime I need to post about your first Christmases, but honestly, there’s not a lot to say. You opened some gifts, but mostly just wanted to eat the paper. Daddy and I were both just getting over the flu, so it was hard to enjoy it all as much as we wanted to.