Saturday, July 2, 2011

967 Days...

It has been 967 days since we started on this infertility journey.
2 years, 7 months, and 25 days.
1,392,480 minutes.
83,548,800 seconds.
And my dream is no closer to coming true than it was that fateful day, November 7, 2008.
I would like to be able to say that I have learned so much from this experience, that I’m a much stronger woman now, that it has all been worth it. But truthfully, I can’t say any of those things.
What I can say, is that I’ve learned is I can be a really jealous person. That I can take other people’s joyous occasions and make myself so upset that I have to leave the room. I’ve learned that every time I see a pregnant woman, or a friend announces their pregnancy, all I can think about is how I wish that were me. Green can be a very ugly color…
I’ve learned more about my body than I ever wanted to know, and still, that knowledge has done nothing but take me two steps forward, and one step back. No matter how much you know, it doesn’t mean things work right or do what you want.
I’ve learned that my faith in God can be tested, month after month, year after year. It doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in Him, or that I don ‘t trust Him, but I can’t help but wonder why He is doing this to me.
And I’m starting to realize that this journey we’ve been on for so long might not ever end the way I want it to. I may never be a mother, even though it breaks my heart into a million little pieces to even type those words, let alone think them.
Infertility is beyond expensive. Medications, procedures, time off work, all of those things add up. And I can look back into my past and think that if I wouldn’t have bought this, or if I wouldn’t have done that, I might have enough money to continue infertility treatments. But where does that get me? Nowhere.
All I can do now is hope that we get lucky and God blesses us with a natural pregnancy, or that I win the lottery, or find that mysterious money tree somewhere.
I’m taking the steps that I can that cost little money, like exercising and eating right, and visiting the chiropractor. I’m down 15.5 pounds.
And I can keep dreaming, hoping, wishing, and praying. While that hasn’t worked for me yet, maybe it will. Maybe I’m just wishing on someone else’s star, or maybe God is too busy helping other people right now to answer my prayers.
Hopefully someday it will be my turn.

1 comment:

  1. There are no words that can make you feel better but I just wanted you to know that I think of you often. ♥