Friday, August 13, 2010

Ups and Downs...

Last weekend Brent and I went to Omaha, and while there, I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor. Unfortunately, the past 6 months of fertility medicine has not resulted in the miracle we hoped for. Rather than waste my time, my doctor referred me to start seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or a fertility specialist. It's not the news I was hoping for, but it was the news I was expecting. I haven't made the appointment yet. My insurance does not cover infertility, plus, I think, even after almost 2 years of trying, I'm not 100% ready to admit defeat. I know there is still hope for us. One of my friends just found out she was pregnant after trying for 3 years, after stopping her fertility medicine. I'm not sure what my new doctor, whoever he or she is, will have in store for me. Some more testing, and maybe some more medication. Or, maybe they will tell me there is no way this is happening on our own, and we'll be forced to try alternative methods to make our dreams come true. Or maybe my dream will never come true...I think part of the reason I haven't called yet to make the appointment is because I am afraid of ultimately hearing that in the end, I will never be a mother.
I just keep reminding myself that while this road is bumpy, hilly, full of curves and detours, it's not a dead-end yet.
On the other hand, I've been trying to think of some reasons why I can be thankful I am not pregnant. I've had to dig down deep, but I think I've come up with some good ones...

1. Brent and I can have our "alone" time together everyday.

2. I can sleep in as late as I want on days I don't have to work.

3. I can drink as much coffee and pop as I want.

5. There are no Cheerios in my couch.

6. I can walk around my house naked if I want to.

7. We can go on vacation anytime our jobs allow.

8. Nothing wakes me up numerous times a night.

9. I can shop for myself.

10. Brent and I can eat out any night of the week.

11. I'm not sick every morning.

12. My ankles are never swollen.

13. I can eat food and it tastes good.

14. I don't have to use any kind of birth control.

15. I can take long, uninterrupted naps.

16. My house stays (relatively) clean when I clean it (you know, if I actually did clean it!)

18. There aren't small children crawling around forcing me to clean more often.

19. I can take cold medicine and Ibuprofen when I'm sick.

20. I never look down and suddenly realize that I have boogers, poo, breakfast, finger paint, drool, play-doh, or any other child-created substance on my clothes I've been wearing around all day.

I guess I don't have to know why God put me on this path. I just have to listen and learn. And when I think about how much this infertility feels like an uphill struggle, I just need to stop, take a deep breath, and think of how BEAUTIFUL the view will be when I get to the top

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