A little Infertility Therapy

I’m going to start this out with a letter every woman struggling with infertility wants to send…

Dear Fertility God, Regular God, Mother Nature, or To Whom It May Concern (including Oprah),
I understand that you’re busy. You have large responsibilities and a lot of things going on right now. I understand if you’re working on the oil spill, curing diseases and figuring who will take over for Oprah Winfrey after she leaves the network. I get it. You’re busy. But listen. There are a lot of us out there who really want to be mothers and we know we would make very good parents. We have gotten a taste of infertility (and it tastes awful) but we are ready to move forward to a pregnancy and a baby. We know that infertility has made us stronger and more sensitive, and we promise that we will cherish our babies every single day and give hope to others struggling with infertility.
But seriously, Fertility God/Mother Nature, infertility is making us weird. We spend too many hours staring at the toilet paper, charting our basal temperature, googling our fake pregnancy symptoms and crying at baby showers. We use words like “ovulation” and “cervical mucus” like they are apart of normal conversation. Infertility is truly making us weird and we aren’t weird people. Just pointing out that it doesn’t serve society well when people are weird.
Mother Nature, from one mother to another, you know a lot about fertilization and we could really use that knowledge right about now. Next time, you fertilize something, consider throwing a little soil our way. Thank you for your consideration.
Yours Truly,
Amanda Lloyd

Whew! That feels better. I’ve been wanting to write that letter for a long time.
You know, the infertile woman is not like everyone else. There are lots of things that make her different from a woman who can pop out kid after kid without even trying. The infertile woman is probably the only person in the world that can go into a bathroom and return in tears or leave doing a happy pee pee dance.
To normal fertile people, the bathroom is a place where you do your business and leave neither happy nor sad. To an infertile person, the toilet experience can either make you or break you. You may walk into that bathroom stall happy and singing and come out with swollen eyes and a runny nose. You either (a) got your period (leading to extreme unhappiness and an emotional breakdown OR a little happiness if you hadn’t seen your flow since 1999 and joyful she has returned; or (b) saw traces of blood a week prior to your period and feel semi-excited/confused that it might be implantation bleeding; or (c) you have wiped clear which brings a private grin to your face.
Take my advice…never have a co-worker or friend wait for you at the sink. You may go into the stall as her perky pal Patty but you are leaving as hysterical and hyperventilating Helen. And who really wants to explain to a co-worker why you just left the toilet in tears? “Wow. That was really a big one. It really hurt to get out.” You might explain as you blow your nose with toilet paper. Because with one trip to the bathroom you can go from no drinking, all healthy food, and no coffee to a bottle of wine, french fries dipped in alcohol, and half a pot of Joe.
Flush.
And don’t even get me started on Facebook. Hey Facebook Friend, although I’ve enjoyed the thousands of pictures of your growing belly, your ultrasound photos and your babies first poopie diapers, for the love of God, PLEASE STOP!!!!!!
I may politely comment on my fertile friend’s daily status updates and maternity photos, but here are some things I would rather say instead…

FB Friend, I may have commented that your belly looks great but I really meant you look like a fatty!

FB Friend, your 3D ultrasound is just plain scary!

FB Friend, stop posting photos of your babies. They aren’t that cute. At least you won’t have to worry about future boyfriends!

FB Friend, you are right. Your ankles do look fat!

FB Friend, I don’t need daily updates about your pregnancy!

FB Friend, it’s unfortunate that your baby looks so much like your husband.

FB Friend, my frozen embryos are cuter than your fetus.

FB Friend, I’ll listen to you talk about your mucus plug if you’ll listen to me discuss my cervical mucus.

Facebook Friend, I love you but I am a sensitive and vulnerable woman who needs a little bit of extra support and hugs right now. And I also know that one day, I might post My belly and kid pictures too, just with a little more sensitivity…
You know what else is fun for a woman struggling with infertility? Playing the “Let’s count the pregnant women” game. Betcha can’t count just one! There’s one… There’s one… There’s one… Oh wait. She’s just fat. Thank goodness.
Every time I leave the house, it feels like every single pregnant woman on earth decides to walk past me. Every place I turn, someone’s pregnant, sporting a baby bump, pushing a stroller or even worse, pushing a stroller with a baby inside AND holding onto a toddler’s hand. How come she gets two babies when I can’t even get one?! It’s a super fun game to play because you can either play it at a baby shower or every single time you leave your house! Walking down the street – there’s a bump. Going to the grocery story – there’s a fertile in the pickle aisle. At the gym – hey look, it’s pregnancy fit hour. Neat!
I sometimes wish I could just carry a sign that read ‘I’m feeling lonely. Any other infertile’s in the crowd? If so, wave your ovulation sticks.’ But if you want to know if there are any other infertile’s out there, just look at her eyes. She will be glaring at a pregnant belly.

Damn. It’s a full time job being this bitter and jealous all of the time.

Since life is giving me lots of reasons to cry about infertility, I figured it was only fair I gave myself some reasons to laugh! Sometimes, we just have to say what's in our hearts. And while I truly don't dislike seeing people rejoice in their pregnancies, I do feel lonely when I am not able to do the same. The whole facebook thing is not how I really feel...I really do love seeing people's families and babies. But at the same time, each time someone announces their pregnancy or posts pictures of their newborns, it just reminds me that I don't have any of it.

Writing this has made me feel better than I have in a long time…

Ups and Downs...

Last weekend Brent and I went to Omaha, and while there, I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor. Unfortunately, the past 6 months of fertility medicine has not resulted in the miracle we hoped for. Rather than waste my time, my doctor referred me to start seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or a fertility specialist. It's not the news I was hoping for, but it was the news I was expecting. I haven't made the appointment yet. My insurance does not cover infertility, plus, I think, even after almost 2 years of trying, I'm not 100% ready to admit defeat. I know there is still hope for us. One of my friends just found out she was pregnant after trying for 3 years, after stopping her fertility medicine. I'm not sure what my new doctor, whoever he or she is, will have in store for me. Some more testing, and maybe some more medication. Or, maybe they will tell me there is no way this is happening on our own, and we'll be forced to try alternative methods to make our dreams come true. Or maybe my dream will never come true...I think part of the reason I haven't called yet to make the appointment is because I am afraid of ultimately hearing that in the end, I will never be a mother.
I just keep reminding myself that while this road is bumpy, hilly, full of curves and detours, it's not a dead-end yet.
On the other hand, I've been trying to think of some reasons why I can be thankful I am not pregnant. I've had to dig down deep, but I think I've come up with some good ones...

1. Brent and I can have our "alone" time together everyday.

2. I can sleep in as late as I want on days I don't have to work.

3. I can drink as much coffee and pop as I want.

5. There are no Cheerios in my couch.

6. I can walk around my house naked if I want to.

7. We can go on vacation anytime our jobs allow.

8. Nothing wakes me up numerous times a night.

9. I can shop for myself.

10. Brent and I can eat out any night of the week.

11. I'm not sick every morning.

12. My ankles are never swollen.

13. I can eat food and it tastes good.

14. I don't have to use any kind of birth control.

15. I can take long, uninterrupted naps.

16. My house stays (relatively) clean when I clean it (you know, if I actually did clean it!)

18. There aren't small children crawling around forcing me to clean more often.

19. I can take cold medicine and Ibuprofen when I'm sick.

20. I never look down and suddenly realize that I have boogers, poo, breakfast, finger paint, drool, play-doh, or any other child-created substance on my clothes I've been wearing around all day.


I guess I don't have to know why God put me on this path. I just have to listen and learn. And when I think about how much this infertility feels like an uphill struggle, I just need to stop, take a deep breath, and think of how BEAUTIFUL the view will be when I get to the top

A Daily Struggle

I have a daily struggle.
I feel the pain of it everyday.
A pain that most people will never experience or understand.
A pain that may never ease up.
A pain that hurts deep inside.
A pain that rips through my heart.

This pain has a name.
INFERTILITY.

For a lot people, it’s just another word. It doesn’t affect them. It doesn’t leave them with empty, aching arms month after month.

It doesn’t make them wonder what is wrong with them. Or why their bodies can’t do something nature intended for them to do.

Infertility affects approximately 7.3 million women and their partners around the world.

I am one of many.

There are many faces of infertilty. Millions of people wanting nothing more than to be parents. Struggling month after month, with no results, watching person after person experience our dreams.








Infertility is unfair.

Infertility is cruel.

Infertility is my life.

And all I want is for it to end.

I want my miracle. I long for the excitement of a postive pregnancy test. I long to hear my babies heartbeat. I long to feel flutters of life in my belly.

But most of all, I long to be called Mommy.

Doctor Update

Just thought I would update everyone. I had my second ultrasound today after taking my Femara, and it went really well. He said I had a great respone to the medicine, and I should be ovulating in the next few days. He showed me the BIG follicle where the egg is going to come from, and now I know why I have been having some tenderness in that area! He also said he was going to prescribe Femara more often if everyone's uterine lining looked as fabulous as mine. :-) I know that doesn't mean a lot to most of you, but it's good news!
He is so funny. He said, go home and tell your husband to have some coffee and get busy! When I told him Brent was at work all night, he told me to be waiting for him naked when he gets home! Ha!
So, everyone please continue to send the good thoughts and prayers our way...hopefully in the next few weeks or so I will have some good results! ;-)

Survey Says...

So, I had my infertility appointment with my doctor today. Here is what I found out...

He did some blood work and an ultrasound. I love him, I thought this was going to be more of a consultation, but he jumped right in! The blood work isn't back yet, but he thinks I have some form of Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS. Basically, it can do all kinds of things, cause acne, hair loss, hair growth, insulin problems, late ovulaiton, irregular cycles, etc. He thinks that while I do ovulate, I ovulate too late in my cycle (more like day 20 instead of 14) to produce a good quality egg.
PCOS effects the endocrine system, which can mess up insulin production, which, in turn can disrupt ovulation. So, he put me on a couple medications. The first one is a metformin, which is actually used to treat diabetes. I don't have that, but he thinks my insulin is too high, which the bloodwork can confirm, which makes me ovulate too late. So, by taking this, it will lower my insulin production, and cause me to ovulate sooner.
The second one is Femara, which is a fertility drug. If you've ever heard of Clomid, it's similar to that. It contains estrogen. He thinks I might produce too much testosterone, which is common with PCOS and late ovulation. So, this should make me have a more regular 28 day cycle and ovulate sooner. I have regular cycles now, but they are more like 34 days instead of the average 28.
So, I start the metformin tomorrow and take it every day. The Femara I take days 4-8 of my cycle, and then we are to time intercourse, starting on day 10 up through ovulation. I have to come back in on February 20 to get an ultrasound and make sure it isn't thinning the lining of my uterus and that there aren't 1200 eggs in there!
He said it's one of those things, that becase I am healthy, I have regular cycles, even though I ovulate late. However, if I were to gain 20 or 30 pounds, I might jump to 60-90 day cycles. The later the ovulation, the worse your chance of getting pregnant.
So, this is the plan for now, to try this for a few months and see what happens. He isn't recommend Brent get any testing for now, since he thinks this is the problem. I about crapped my pants when I picked up the prescription, though. For 15 pills of Femara ( 3 months supply) it was $208!! Sheesh, it better work.
All thoughts and prayers are still appreciated. I really hope this will be the solution for us!

One small step for Amanda, one giant leap towards kicking infertility to the curb!

For all my loyal (ha!) blog followers, just thought I would update that I scheduled a doctor's appointment for February 2nd, to start the process of figuring out what is wrong with this baby machine! I am sure it will be awhile before I know anything, but it feels good to have taken the next step! Wish us luck!

Self Discovery

I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past few years. Some good things, and some bad things. It’s taking me a while to become the person I want to be, but I’m getting there.
Life’s not always a party. It’s not always sunshine and rainbows. But, life is like photography. We develop from negatives.
I thought moving away from everyone I loved was the worst thing ever at the time. And while I do miss my family and friends terribly, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am today if I hadn’t. I never would gotten the experience of running my own store. I wouldn’t get nearly as excited about spending the weekend with family. I never would have learned that I can be a self-sufficient woman. You can’t rely on your mommy when she’s 4 hours away!
I spent the first 5 years of my marriage thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a family. Excited about everything the future held. It was so fun to talk about what kind of mother I would be, what we would name our kids, how many we would have. My in-laws and I had a great time teasing Brent about having babies.
The past year I’ve spent trying to make that dream come true. And as of now, it hasn’t. It’s been tough, it’s been heartbreaking, and, at times, I have questioned if it is worth it. As hard as this past year has been, I know God has a reason for it, and through all the pain, I’ve learned what a wonderful husband I have. Celebrating the joy of pregnancy and the devastation of a loss has strengthened my marriage. We’re in this together, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, through good times and bad, ‘til death do us part. When something bad happens, you learn the meaning behind the words in those vows you said in front of God and the rest of the world.
I have experienced heartbreak. I’ve had my faith in God tested. But I have learned never to give up. Where hope grows, miracles blossom. There is light at the end of every tunnel. While I can’t see exactly where that light leads yet, I’m catching a glimpse of it every now and then.
For now, I’m going to continue working on myself. I’m letting go of the pain, starting over new. I’m finding out who I am and doing it on purpose. I’m taking the good with the bad, smiling with the sad, loving what I’ve got, and remembering what I had. I’m learning to forgive, but never forget, learning from my mistakes and to never regret. People change, things go wrong, but I’m starting to realize that life goes on. Sometimes we must get hurt in order grow. We must fail on order to know that sometimes our vision is clear only after our eyes have been washed away with tears.
I’m going to be happy even though life isn’t perfect. I’m going to look beyond the imperfections. I’m taking a step outside of myself, turning around and seeing who I am. And you know what? I kind of like me. Excess baggage and all.