...and the Journey Continues...

I had never really given much thought to where our infertility journey might go after being blessed with Carson. Brent and I had not really decided if we were going to try to have more children or not. That all changed on August 10, 2013. I had felt a little off for a few days, so I decided to take a pregnancy test, just to be safe, even though I figured there was no way it would be positive. It took us 3 years and many failed fertility treatments before we had Carson, how in the world could we just get pregnant on our own without even trying? But, that was the case. A very positive pregnancy test was staring me back in the face. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt. Happy, excited, but also nervous and a little worried. I sent Brent a picture of the test and told him to call me on his lunch break, I think he felt the same way with the news. We spent the next few weeks discussing how we were going to make things work, and I think we both started to get really excited. We also shared the news that Carson was going to be a big brother with our parents and siblings, and everyone was excited to say the least. I also spent much of the day dealing with morning sickness. Or really, all day sickness as it should be called. Sick and tired was how I felt for sure! We had an ultrasound and check up scheduled on September 17, as any pregnant woman is, I felt very excited and nervous. What a wonderful blessing to be able to have TWO children when for a long time I thought I’d never get one. Unfortunately, this is where the story takes a sad turn. The ultrasound revealed what is called a blighted ovum, or an empty gestational sac. Basically, what happens is the egg is fertilized and implanted and a sac forms, but a baby never grows inside it. At the time of the appointment, I should have been around 10 weeks, but the sac only measured about 6. There really is no reason why this happens, but I guess it is very common. A lot of the time when it happens, women don’t even know they are pregnant or end up knowing something is wrong because they start bleeding. In my case, my body still thought it was pregnant, and was still producing the hormone and pregnancy symptoms, just as any viable pregnancy would be. Once again, I was being deceived by my body. There was no indication that anything was wrong at all, I still had all my symptoms, no bleeding, nothing. I was devastated. I never realized how much I wanted a second child until I had one…and then it was taken away. I found myself angry with God. After all that we have been through trying to have a family, why in the world would he surprise us with a pregnancy only to take it away? That is a question I am still having a hard time dealing with. It makes no sense to me at all, and my heart really aches because of it. The Dr. came in and told us again that there was nothing that could have been done, gave me a Rogham shot since I am RH- and my blood type is A-, and told me what to expect if I started bleeding on my own, but also scheduled an appointment for the following Monday just in case. Nothing happened over the next week. It's hard enough having to deal with losing a baby, it's even harder when your body still thinks it's pregnant and you're just playing a waiting game wondering when the baby is going to leave your body... Monday came, and I went to the appointment. He scheduled me for another ultrasound Thursday morning just to double check, but also scheduled a D&C so it was on the schedule since we were most likely going to need it. The ultrasound showed the same thing on Thursday morning. An empty sac, as empty as my arms. I thought I would be okay seeing it again since I knew what to expect that time, but it was still hard and I lost it in the car. I had the D&C on Thursday, and then rested Friday and the weekend at home. I don't remember anything other than waiting and waiting for the Dr. before hand and waking up in the recovery room. It's nice to not have any memory of the awful procedure. I had a bit of pain for a few days, but nothing really worse than a usual monthly "gift" and I am healing nicely, at least physically anyway. Now that everything is done, I'm moving on. Why a person has to go through so much heartache I will never know. Two miscarriages, 3 years of empty arms and broken hearts trying to have a baby, more ultrasounds and medications and tests than I can even list here. But, through it all, I know I have the best gift in the world. 17 months ago, I was finally blessed with my own little boy, and I finally became a mommy. Carson is everything that I ever could have wanted and so much more. He is the reason I can keep staying strong, he is my world. I love him so much. I don't know where we'll go from here. I don't know if we will try to have another child, or if we'll even be able to have another one. I don't know if I want to keep putting my heart through this. Maybe this is God's way of telling me I should only have one baby...